I hate to see my room is messed with cables(of laptop, hairdryer, mobile charger&USB), clothes(ready-to-pack, ready-to-dump, ready-to-wash and  ready-to-forget), shoes(leather, boots, sports, sandals, street&casual) and unclosed wardrobe(which is half empty now).

And I choose to write down instead of doing something, I'm awfully becoming a bad guy.

      “今天是四川地震发生以来的第11天，截至到现在四川地震已经造成死亡超过五万人，到目前为止……”

      通常在这些时候我就会停止看电视回到房间。五万人是个什么概念，或者说，我想象不出来这五万多人从这11天内突然消失是什么景象；或者说，这没有景象，因为有的家庭或者整个村子突然消失了，变成了没有，白纸一样的没有。没有哀伤，好比你看到一层灰在一张纸上，看起来很烦恼，其实心里吸口气轻轻一抹就走了。

      到目前为止我没有捐钱，或者任何为这次灾难贡献自己力量的行为。只是因为我目前没有钱可以捐，而且不想做出那么一点小东西来安慰自己。就是说假设我捐了一百块就心安理得；假设我不捐钱，不点蜡烛，那么我的脑子好常常记得我准备干嘛。

      默哀仪式我还是有参加的。

      相比以前我看过的灾难新闻，让我感到有点不同的是很少媒体把死亡人数当作头条。相反，他们做出一条一条平时看起来特别政府化的标语，激励着那些没有受到直接影响但心中时刻联系着这次灾难的人们。根据我在电视里看到，或许也就是几十秒的长度，但是一大推围在领导身边听着“中国需要你，人民需要你。”的场景着实让我觉得困扰。我相信那些为了搜救生还者而很长一段时间没有进食的志愿者们，同时我也希望那些连领导的尊容还没看到就把自己的手突破人群，成功一沾领导英气的人们提醒一下，与其要摸能不能摸些黑暗里等待着被摸到的幸存者。

      同时我们应该收拾悲伤，把注意力转向被获救的六万多人。因为他们都没家庭，没住的，没有头绪，没有衣服换，没有力气建房子。我们不能看到死亡人数不再涨就大喊一声上天保佑。其实你们捐的钱都是给活人的，哀伤的心情应该消失，想想怎么重建不那么好垮的房子，想想怎么给幸存的孩子养育，想想怎么给后代人留下深刻的纪念，那么五万多人也可以在无辜中乐观的瞑目了。

      今天看到新闻说都江堰的灾区已经基本没有幸存者，准备停止搜救工作而起步重建计划。企图赞扬或者诋毁这次灾难的人都回去该干什么干什么，通常伟大的志愿者们都不会做上述两种事情的。

Before I write down what I've done today, it would be really enjoyable for me to recall what I had done on weekend nights.

Friday noon I crossed the border to Hong Kong. To choose one favorite laptop and to buy things which I shouldn't let my mother follow me for all day. Watching the beautiful night-view at the hostel, I was struggling whether should I visit the famous Lan Kuai Fong at the first and probably the last time in Hong Kong before I leave for Australia. And I decided not to stay in the room that night - and the nice reception lady told me how to sneak in after the main gate closed at 12 PM.

Then I went to a club with two friends, first one it's crowd but too crowd, soon we switched to another place, despite it's already 1 AM but the bartender told me it would be packed after 2 - he's not lying.

I was having a great fun during a whole night. The same as the next night back in the local place.

Ok, today I began to clean out my belongings. First was all the winter clothes I need to pack up. And then was drawers. Drawer is a place for me to put something I didn't want to dump them at that moment, half hour after I cleaned three drawer into one and sticked my name on it. Most stuff I decided to keep still were photos and papers with my writing on them. I dump all my certificates and awards - not so many, anyway.

I used to collect things, like I said, things I couldn't throw them at the garbage earlier. But this time I did it very quick, except a few minutes by some old pictures lying on my keyboard. Since the catastophe happened I could have my tears any second filled in my eyes. But I hate to do it, hate to cry by a scene of a dead child who was still holding his pen under tons of stone, I would do something else rather than watching TV tearing for orphans and homeless and grieved people who actually had more reason to tear, but in that circumstance they didn't do it, I guess that was not the right way to show mercy. Hence lucky people like I am should have no tears but learn from it. I must say I had a noticeable change being an event assistant but I know now this job is not going to bring myself any more meaning(but surely fantasitc to work with them)However, these two months were undoubtedly some experience I must have in life.

Soon after my room was half empty and today I had dinner at home since the last home dinner was on last saturday.

      我想每一次的天灾都可以让我们明白生命的渺小。如果要我详细并且悲伤的描述这则新闻，恐怕这不是一个聪明的做法。首先我无法切身体会到失去一切的感受，其次是我没有必要再无力的呻吟我的悲伤。

      只要我们还记得感恩我们一切的拥有，或许还可以弥补一次次对生命的叹息。

With deepest grief, I may you all rest in peace,

8533

8738

9219

11592

14486

32477

  34053

  41353

   51151

    62664

Have too much on my mind

but this is not the excuse I choose to cry

how can I sometimes be so blind

how can I let myself feel fine.

Remind here I'm running out of time

rethink someone I didn't treat right

remain something I haven't left behind

I have so much on mind.

This year our May holiday has been reduced to only three-days. At 10 in the morning, I had dim-sum with my father and his brother, later aunt's family had joined us as well. On the table my dad said he could buy me a laptop, and mentioned to me that after I finished study I should go find my brother in England because he's buying a house now. I don't want to live in even he bought a palace, but, well, I'll take that laptop still.

Then Sean called, saying they're going to have a picnic in Seashore Park. So I joined them, had a nice & fresh afternoon, with several persons asked Gunar & Berry for taking a picture, we left when rain started to drop. At their apartment some of us took a nap, others were fixing their digital products. Knowing the fact that later that night we're all heading to club, I woke up at 6 pm, the rest of napping people woke up at 8. Set up the look, we left again at 9 pm.

Eleven o'clock we showed up at the club. Since we always hit the same club, now everyone must has somewhat related to other. Like Hugo(or Jacky, I don't remember), had met me couple times before I recognised who he was(but the name). Again, this is a very small world.

And this time, I can finally talk to people without feeling anxious anymore. Could be the fact that I've comfirmed my took-off date. Like before, it got me impatient again for the dancing time, and when it had begun, with arrogant and genuine to say, I received more attention than ever before...therefore - like I've beautifully finished a task - I had the mind of going home.

Dear Mr. Zhang,

If my mom didn't lie to me,(because I asked her several times, she almost swore to me she wasn't lying) then the story went like:

You and she were in the bank, doing final procedure of selling the apartment, the next 10 minutes you both would get the 50% of the property.

But then you said to her: "I'm going to make a testament that after I died this money will give to my son."

She got confused,"Even you did make it or not, he still get your money right?"

"No, no, not this son, I am doing this for my big son, I have two sons you know?"

Okay! I'm so released! I didn't stop talking to you because I was worried, that you're getting old and alone and regretful and pathetic, but you seem fine for all. So I should fade away like I should had done done 20 years ago.

Tim